


Ache

by i_heart_danchou



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-22 09:39:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19664782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_heart_danchou/pseuds/i_heart_danchou
Summary: The sun is bright and shining, and Levi aches.  He tells himself his body is worn out from the excursion, and slowly he puts himself together for the day.  It hurts, still, to think of that empty chair in the great hall.  Erwin hasn’t been forgotten yet, and that helps keep Levi standing.The report comes out, and Levi prepares himself for the onslaught of anger directed at him.  He doesn’t expect them to understand, yet as he sees Roy’s hands quiver around his teacup, he knows that he made the right choice.This world is fucking hell.





	Ache

The sun is bright and shining, and Levi aches. He tells himself his body is worn out from the excursion, and slowly he puts himself together for the day. It hurts, still, to think of that empty chair in the great hall. Erwin hasn’t been forgotten yet, and that helps keep Levi standing. 

The report comes out, and Levi prepares himself for the onslaught of anger directed at him. He doesn’t expect them to understand, yet as he sees Roy’s hands quiver around his teacup, he knows that he made the right choice. 

This world is fucking hell. 

He is a blank canvas as he walks in the street. His face feels numb, his blood feels cold, and all around him are whispers and cruelty. The mission to retake Wall Maria is all anyone can talk about, and Erwin Erwin Erwin is dancing on their lips.

A great man made a great sacrifice, it’s all thanks to him we’ve come this far. His most trusted subordinate was so foolish— how could he choose that child over the commander? Such a lapse in judgement, such a tragedy. Erwin was smart, right? And yet he couldn’t see the wicked selfish heart in Levi’s chest. How sad, how sad, how sad. Levi has doomed humanity.

Words like traitor are thrown around, people questioning Levi’s loyalty, his sanity, his intelligence. Levi had sworn to kill Erwin after all, that thug, that monster, Erwin was an idiot for believing in him. 

**

Floch’s tirade is unwelcome and unsurprising. Levi stands alone in shadow, his fists clenched and his heart aching. He knows. He knows Erwin was the best choice for humanity, for Levi, for everyone. 

But it was not the best choice for Erwin. 

Erwin’s smile comes to the front of his mind, and Levi’s soul clenches. He thinks of his empty bed, the empty chair, the hole in his heart that will never be filled. Levi resents the world for spinning, the sun for rising, life for marching onward when Erwin Smith was dead. 

Armin’s small voice is of small comfort; even he knows he should not be alive right now. And still, even now, even after watching Erwin bleed to death, Eren stands his ground. They are children, Levi reminds himself, they do not understand. 

No one understands.

Levi pretends he hadn’t heard them as he informs the last survivors of the survey corps they are to receive their rewards. 

Levi’s mind is blank as Historia places the bolo tie over his head. It’s wrong. This is Erwin’s tie, Erwin’s honor, the weight of the stone feels foreign around his neck. He screws his eyes shut and kisses the hand of the queen. Levi doesn’t kneel to anyone but Erwin, but he’s exhausted and miserable and he can’t conjure the energy to protest. This is, in effect, Erwin’s funeral. It’s not about Levi, and he won’t complain no matter how disgusting it all feels. 

Erwin is dead, and in his weakest moments, Levi blames himself. It was the right thing for Erwin, he knows that in his heart, but… it doesn’t always make it easier to bear. Erwin is dead. Erwin is dead. Erwin is dead and Levi will spend the rest of his life alone.  
  
He will rip that stone off his neck as soon as he has some privacy, and never look at it again. It is the tangible medal of his betrayal, a heavy reminder of the price Erwin paid. It makes him sick, and he cannot bear it.

**

Winter comes and goes, and Levi takes it upon himself to retrieve Erwin’s bones from that house in Shiganshina. He isn’t sure what to expect; a rotting corpse maybe, or flesh torn apart by rats and birds… there is part of him that wonders if he will be unchanged, his gleaming golden hair, his beautiful face. Perhaps he’ll look peaceful, perhaps he’ll stretch his arm out and sit up, chiding Levi for taking so long to find him.

The air in the room is stale and dank, and Erwin’s body lies undisturbed where Levi left it. There is an odor, but Levi ignores it out of respect. It’s not Erwin’s fault he died, it’s not his fault that he had rotted away. He suspects Erwin would apologize for the smell if he could. 

Levi pulls the cloak away from Erwin’s face and his stomach drops. Levi has seen death before, he has seen skulls before, but he has never, ever ached like this over a body before. Erwin’s flesh and skin is gone, his hair largely missing, his eyes shrivelled and eaten by time. ‘You’ll never see his face again’ his mind chirps at him. ‘This is all that’s left. These white bones and your memories.’

Time creeps on, and it’s harder and harder to remember Erwin’s face. Levi tries to conjure it now, but the toothy smile of the skull before him replaces the heartfelt warmth he associates with Erwin. Hollow sockets instead of sparkling eyes, stale decay instead of cologne and tea and ink. It hurts, and he picks up Erwin’s bones one at a time.

“I’ll get you home.” He says to no one. “You did so well.” 

There are parts of his ribs missing, and the bone of his right arm is splintered and rough. It must have hurt, Levi thinks. Every day it must have hurt. 

It’s sickening how Erwin fits in a small sack now. Such a powerful imposing man, reduced to hollow bones which knock together in the bag on Levi’s shoulder. 

He’s taken to pretending Erwin is with him sometimes, and he finds it makes things easier. 

_Thank you Levi._ Erwin says in his mind. _I missed you. I was lonely here. I’m glad I’m going home._

It’s empty and pointless but it keeps Levi standing. “I know. I’m sorry it took so long.”

 _You did your best, Levi. You always do your best and I’m so proud of you. I don’t blame you, I never blamed you_.

The Erwin in his mind says what Levi wants to hear, and Levi pretends that it doesn’t bother him. Erwin clacks around in the bag and Levi ignores the noise. He owes Erwin this much, at least.

**

The ceremony for Erwin is beautiful and dignified. Many people speak about their memories of him, how good and honorable he was, how bravely he fought. 

Hanji speaks. Armin speaks. Nile speaks.

Everyone looks at Levi and he says nothing. He’s never been one for nostalgia and lingering, and he doesn’t want to give anyone fodder to use against Erwin. 

Levi can’t win, really. If he speaks, they’ll blame him for letting Erwin die, how dare he, how can he give a eulogy when he pulled the trigger? A monster, a monster, a devil. If he doesn’t speak, they are vindicated. He never cared for Erwin, he thought Armin was more pure, less damaged, such an idiot to think Armin will save us. Poor Erwin, poor Erwin. He should have lived. He could have saved us. 

His eyelids are heavy and Levi bears it. The stares, the whispers, the judgement. 

_They won’t understand, Levi. It’s not your fault. I know why you did what you did, and I thank you for it. You don’t owe them anything._

In his mind, Erwin is smiling… his hand is on Levi’s shoulder, he’s squeezing lightly and he has both arms now. For a moment all is gentle and calm in Levi’s mind, but that never lasts very long. Erwin’s face melts away to bones and ash, and those warm fingers turn to claws and dig in Levi’s flesh.

_You killed me. You wonder if you were right, Levi. You wonder if I wanted this. To watch, muted, while the world goes to war. Were you right, Levi? Were you right?_

‘No,’ he thinks, ‘Erwin would never harm me,’ and the monster in his mind laughs. 

_Yet you killed him. I bet he thought the same about you._

**

They march towards that stupid fucking ocean. Erwin had dreamed of a future like this, free from titans and danger, where man could explore and expand to his heart’s content. It’s a beautiful thing to be so free, and he imagines Erwin beside him.

His eyes would be sparkling as they got closer and closer, that boyish excitement that he struggled to rein in exuding from his face. The wind in his hair feels great, the weather is perfect, and he’s smiling. _Isn’t it brilliant, Levi? I always wanted to see how far we could go._

The space beside Levi is empty, and he stares straight ahead. The air smells different, and he’s been in the SC too long to let his guard down now. 

Before them is the most vast expanse of water Levi has ever seen. It glimmers in the sun and it reminds Levi of Erwin’s eyes. 

There is joy in the air, and the remnants of the SC frolic in the sea like a bunch of damn children. Levi stands away, apart, not wanting to allow himself this moment of happiness. Erwin would have loved this, and he does not want what Erwin can’t have. 

_It’s beautiful, isn’t it? You should go swim, Levi. I’ll watch._

Levi shakes his head. “It’s disgusting. Fish fuck in it.”

Erwin laughs and the sound is like coming home. He aches when he hears it— or imagines he hears it, and prays this nightmare will end. 

Erwin should be here. He should have his pants rolled up to his knees, he should squeak when the waves hit his skin, he should be losing his balance and falling on his ass in the water. Levi would roll his eyes and offer him a hand up, and maybe Erwin would pull him in too, because he’s delighted and alive and it’s fun to be here. Levi would pretend to be angry, and Erwin would see through him. Maybe later they’d fuck, and he’d stare up at Erwin after, eyes wide, watching him delight in the mysteries of the universe. 

He should have been here. Levi is alone and it hurts. 

It’s Eren, strangely, who grounds him once more. He listens disinterestedly as the boy postulates on the benefits of murdering everyone across the ocean. He sees the pain in Armin’s eyes, he watches as no one— not Hanji, not Mikasa, not Armin, step forward to question him. 

He imagines Erwin as a titan. A monster in the eyes of humanity, forced to chase after this child and his raging vengeful whims. Perhaps his eyes would be weary, his shoulders slumped, his mind worn and damaged from all the pain he’s witnessed. Erwin would be strong, and he would fight, because that is who Erwin was. But he would suffer, and he would lose himself, and ultimately he would die conflicted and isolated. 

A bird screams in the distance, and Levi kicks some of the sand with his toe. ‘I did the right thing,’ he tells himself. ‘Erwin is resting, he’s peaceful, he doesn’t have to fight anymore.’

The sun is dazzling and warm, and the world keeps spinning. For the rest of his life, Levi will try to convince himself of that one simple truth. It’s not easy, and it hurts, but it was the right thing to do. 

In his mind, Erwin is smiling. 


End file.
